Colonoscopy !

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Those of you unfortunate to have suffered from diverticulitis will know what I'm talking about!!

As well as the illness itself, the investigation of the problem is enough to make your eyes water.

This I went through in May 2011 and the following articles sayit all!!!

One has to see the funny side of it, so read on .....................................

 

By Dave  Barry, a Pulitzer  Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami  Herald.
               
                 Colonoscopy  Journal:


I called my  friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an  appointment for a  colonoscopy.
             
A few days  later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram  of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all  over the place, at one point passing briefly  through  Minneapolis   .

Then Andy  explained the colonoscopy  procedure to me in a  thorough, reassuring and patient  manner.
             
I nodded  thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he  said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO  STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!'
             
I left Andy's  office with some written instructions, and a  prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which  comes in a box large, enough to hold a microwave  oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later;  for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it  to fall into the hands of  America 's  enemies.
             
I spent the next  several days productively sitting around being  nervous.
             
Then, on the day  before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.   In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any  solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth,  which is basically water, only with  less  flavour.
             
Then, in the  evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two  packets of powder together in a one-litre
plastic jug,  then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those  unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32  gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.   This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -  and here I am being kind - like a mixture  of goat  spit and urinal  cleanser, with just a hint of  lemon.
             
The instructions  for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great  sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a  loose, watery bowel movement may  result.'
             
This is kind of  like saying! that after you jump off your roof, you may  experience contact with the  ground.
            
MoviPrep is a  nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here,  but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?   This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you  as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the  commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours  pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting  violently.  You eliminate everything..  And  then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you  have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which  point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into  the future and start eliminating food that you have  not even eaten  yet.
             
After an  action-packed evening, I finally  got to  sleep.
             
The next morning  my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very  nervous.  Not only was I worried about the  procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional  return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was  thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you  apologize to a friend for something like that?   Flowers would not be  enough.
             
At the clinic I  had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood  and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms  said. Then they led me to a room full of other  colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little  curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one  of those hospital garments designed by sadist  perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you  feel even more naked than when you are actually  naked.
            
Then a nurse  named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left  hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was  very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie  also told me that some people put vodka in their  MoviPrep. At first I was  ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I  pondered what would happen if you got yourself too  tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were  staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You  would have no choice but to burn your  house.
             
When everything  was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,  where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an  anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot  tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there  somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this  point.
             
Andy had me roll  over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began  hooking something up to the needle in my  hand.
             
There was music  playing in the room, and I realized that the song was  'Dancing Queen'  by ABBA.  I  remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be  playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing  Queen' had to be the least  appropriate.
             
'You want me to  turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind  me.
             
'Ha ha,' I  said. ! And then it was time, the moment I had  been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are  squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to  tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was  like.
             
I have no  idea.  Really.  I slept through it.   One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the  beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was  back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow  mood.
             
Andy was looking  down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt  excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told  me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed  with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an  internal  organ.

On the subject  of Colonoscopies . . .
Colonoscopies  are no joke, but these comments during the exam were  quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following  are actual comments made by his patients  (predominately male) while he was performing their  colonoscopies:
             
1. 'Take it  easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone  before!'
             
2. 'Find Amelia  Earhart  yet?'
             
3. 'Can you hear  me  NOW?'
             
4. 'Are we there  yet? Are we there yet? Are we there  yet?'
             
5. 'You know,  in  Arkansas , we're now legally  married.'
             
6. 'Any sign of  the trapped miners,  Chief?'
             
7. 'You put your  left hand in, you take your left hand out
. . .'
             
8. 'Hey! Now I  know how a Muppet  feels!'
             
9. 'If your hand  doesn't fit, you must  quit!'
             
10... 'Hey Doc,  let me know if you find my  dignity.'
             
11. 'You used to  be an executive at Enron, didn't  you?'
             
12. 'God, now I  know why I am not  gay.'
   
        And  the VERY best one of all:


13. 'Could you  write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up  there?

 

 

 

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